A Confession and Some Weight Updates

This is really embarrassing...but I haven't been able to sit cross-legged in months. I don't remember when I first noticed it, but it was definitely during the summer in the aftermath of my terrible July.  I haven't written about the specifics here before, but basically my doctor's recommendations (which I was 100% against) completely messed me up, making me go low constantly to the point where I was terrified to do ANYTHING remotely active.  And it was all because he didn't like that I had a bunch more basal rates programmed into my pump than most people do (even though it was working for me just fine).  That was the month where I lost my exercise habit, and have struggled since then to just get back to being active.

While my weight hasn't gone too far up, I've definitely gained a few pounds, which are probably contributing to my inability to sit cross-legged.  Here's my weight from Oct 24:

weight: 214.0 lbs
fat percentage: 46.9%
hydration: 36.5%
muscle: 26.2%
bone: 10.6%
cal: 2369

I didn't write it down, but there was another one in October where I was 215 lbs. :(  Not great.

But along with the weight gain, because I wasn't active, I think my muscles or ligaments or something lost their stretchiness.  I've read that that can happen to people with diabetes, that they lose motion if they're not active. And I guess thanks to what happened in July, that's what has happened to me; now I'm unable to stretch my right thigh well enough to sit on the ground with my legs crossed  (the left one doesn't seem as bad as the right).

I've been really struggling with this over the last month or so, torn between wanting to do SOMETHING to help my body while also, deep down, just feeling despair.  What's the point, if my doctor is the one who got me to do this in the first place (and my diabetes care team went with the doctor's advice and wanted me to keep using his recommendations, even though they clearly weren't working and making my life hell?)  These are the people who are supposed to be helping me, not making me unable to function during my daily life!!!!

To make matters worse, I started noticing that I just wasn't caring as much with my meals. I think the tipping point was this last week (ironically, Halloween, which is when there's candy and chocolate and other treats EVERYWHERE).  I pigged out on cookies at a friend's house at the beginning of the week, plus ate a ridiculous amount of cheeseballs (a giant tub was in the coffee room at work all week and I love cheeseballs and cheezies).  It was so bad, that on Halloween itself, I used all my willpower to not eat any treats (or more cheeseballs).  I succeeded, but the next day had a major relapse: I ate a few chocolate bars at work (due to a low) and spent the rest of my shift fighting eating more, only to hang out with friends after work and binge on treats for dinner (I 100% felt like I just had no willpower left at that point).  I know I'm horrible at resisting food that's in front of me (or that I know is there). And this week just took me well beyond my limits. :(

But on a positive note, I've been focussing on eating healthier this weekend.  I have no treats in my house (I did not buy any Halloween candy that was on sale), have been drinking green smoothies for breakfast, and made a healthy soup for dinner last night (it was full of vegetables - I threw a homemade vegetable broth into my crockpot with sweet potatoes, carrots, a bit of spices, and a shallot, adding a bit of milk at the end and blending it together - it turned out really good!)  Because it's Halloween, I haven't managed to cut treats completely from my diet (I went to a Halloween Party last night and went low, so ended up binging on treats as a result), but I made a point of getting trail mix for both home and work so I have a healthy snack to munch on (I got the trail mix from a container rather than from a bulk bin because the container had the nutritional information, which is great!)

Even though I'm not eating 100% healthy, what I've been doing is already paying off; here's my weight from earlier today:

weight: 212.6 lbs
fat percentage: 46.4%
hydration: 36.8%
muscle: 26.4%
bone: 10.6%
cal: 2361

This was also the first week in a long time that I managed to do over 60 minutes of exercise that wasn't walking (plus I walked to work a few times, too)!  So that's great progress towards getting my exercise habit back! :)